With a family as large as ours, it can sometimes be hard to spend one on one time with each child.
This week I had that chance with the three who live full time in our home and it created a longing in me to ensure that I do it more often.
Sardius and I spent an evening at the symphony, courtesy of Bampa for Sardius' birthday. We enjoyed a simple ice cream cone beforehand . We attended the pre-symphony talk and decided that while it was interesting, the talk was too long to do it again :)
Sardius is learning to play the violin and finds great enjoyment in music. I find this incredibly ironic as he is our one child who appears to be tone deaf. Our favorite piece was Pictures at an Exhibition. The program listed the different paintings/sketches that corresponded to the movements and we had a hard time not giggling as the music wonderfully portrayed a chicken ballet. The ending movement represented a city gate and church....the music so powerful that we were both deeply moved.
I treasure every moment that I can sit close with Sardius and hold his hand, his head leaning on my shoulder...
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Anonimo took Jasper, Emerald, Sardius and Electrum to Jasper's hockey practice. This left a quiet house with just myself and Quartz. Quartz is a solitary young man and he has always been uncomfortable with more than just a couple of people around him. We have walked some agonizing paths with him and my love and burden for him go very deep.
Quartz recently learned to play rummy, so we sat down to a special time of just being together. I would normally choose to play classical music or gentle hymns, but I know that this music, especially the hymns, grates on his nerves. I brought up the Pandora website and had him make his own station, knowing that his love in music is techno/percussion. My only thought as we listened to it was an extreme thankfulness that he does not like rap or heavy metal.
He taught me to play rummy and the evening slowly rolled along. I talked too much as I always do with him...I have too much desperation in wanting to reach through to his heart. I have not heard the words "I love you" in over two years from his mouth. I have though, perhaps seen it spoken in his eyes and the tilt of his head. He mocks my beliefs and cannot begin to comprehend my love for God.
He attained 700 before me and the game and time was over.
The love for this son is almost too much sometimes.
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Garnet and I both love good books and a time of reading. We both love to write. A favorite book is The Secret Life of Bees. It is very rare that we actually go to a movie theater to see a movie, but when this movie came out this week, I agreed that we should go see it.
Garnet is my step-daughter and a young woman, the oldest of our 8. Anonimo and I have discovered that each of us will never have the same emotions for our step-children as we do for our blood children. Our hearts have been bound to our blood children since birth. Our hearts have only been tied to our step-children for a short time.
We have learned more about the love of the Father with our step-children than we have with our blood children.
Both Garnet and I enjoyed the movie and I wept as a picture of love was drawn before us on the screen. A picture of love between people related and people not related, but brought together as family.
I hope to enjoy other movies and time with Garnet. I also hope to let go of my stubborn heart.
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The fog has rolled in this morning and softens the lines of my normal view. This lack of clarity makes for a beautiful picture.
Perhaps not everything always needs to be so clear and "finished". Perhaps softening my view is what is needed and .......most of all, what is most loving.
a Voice out of heaven
15 years ago
